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It’s easy to teach a child to share, to care about others and to respect their elders....... We all go through the pitfalls of raising a child into their teenage years. However, we are always proud to see them taking the time to help someone out, to say thank you without a reminder, to clean their rooms without prodding.
But I don’t want to write about your daughters. I want to write about us - the Parents.
Being a part of this sport for over 15 years, and now on my second daughter who competitively rides, I have seen both the best, and the worst of parents over the years (myself included). In a sport where there doesn’t seem to be enough teamwork, please -consider the facts below:
- Each rider must be “in tune” with a 1200 pound unpredictable four legged equine;
Each day at a show this equine will act totally different then the day before;
Each day at a show every rider will turn in either a better, or worse round than the previous day;
Each rider is judged by a vague set of criteria that changes with each judge.
Take the above and mix it with a teenager who:
- Wakes up every morning in a different mood;
Worries about how she looks;
Worries about how her horse will behave;
Worries if the jumps will be set too high;
Puts pressure on herself because - (a) she did badly the day before (b) she did exceptionally well the day before (c) her grandparents have come to watch her for the first time (d) all of the above,
and you get an incredable feel for what it is (just a fraction) to be a competitive show rider.
Now - put us, the Parents, into the mix and I don’t have to tell you, we make an INCREDIBLE difference in how the rider puts this sport into perspective.
SO, here are some tips on how to be a better Sports Parent:
DONT’S:
- Don’t coach from the sidelines - leave that to the professional. Giving last minute advise not only confuses the rider, it is also futile! Riders are too busy trying to learn their courses, remember all the tips their trainers have just reminded them of and trying to focus on the job at hand.
- NEVER start a conversation with “did you win?” How about “did you learn anything today?”
- Don’t bad-mouth anyone in this sport. Believe me, it is a VERY small community and what goes around, comes around.
- Don’t keep track of points (at least never verbalize who is ahead/behind to anyone within hearing distance - and this means the other parents!)
- Don’t make excuses for a bad round (i.e. what a bad judge! She was too hurried! etc.). Your rider needs to be allowed to process the good and the bad, learn from both and take responsibility of both.
- Don’t purchase above your means - too many kids have been guilt-tripped into thinking they need to WIN because mom/dad overextended the budget to purchase this “special” horse that will beat the competition. (when she doesn’t win-i.e. live up to what she feels is expected of her-she will ultimately and certainly think of herself a failure).
I could go on, but I am a true believer that it doesn’t help to dwell on the negative but always support the positive so here is what you CAN do
.DO’S:
- Redefine winning and losing - this is an incredably expensive sport and you don’t have to tell your rider that all your hard earned family income is going into her horse or the sport of competing. Believe me, she already knows it. So - while we are all spending the money to hopefully win some - we will also lose (a lot!). Be willing to sacrifice the investment toward the invaluable life lessons this sport will give your daughter. Don’t go into it thinking you will EVER get your money back!
- Talk to your daughter’s coach and help set REALISTIC goals. We all have less control over the final outcome of a horse show than over maximizing the rider’s individual potential. To help keep a healthy perspective, be sure there is wiggle room in those goals.
- SHOW UP FOR PRACTICE! This goes without saying. Your daughter cannot expect to get better without logging miles in the saddle. You must be prepared to do the time on the bench during lessons!
- Be happy for every rider at the show. Be courteous to the other moms and trainers.
- Be sure your rider is fed! (This is a hard one for me and Amanda). She gets too nervous to eat and has exprienced reduced thought process during a show because of it. Look at your rider as an elite athlete and be sure to offer plenty of well balanced appealing food during the day. (don’t forget the water/gatorade during the summer shows).
- SOOOOOO many parents forget this most important one. The phrase I’M PROUD OF YOU!” This, followed by a hug is absolutely priceless.
Remember this irrefutable fact. Both my child and yours have a minuscule chance at becoming an Olympic athelete. These elite riders are few and far between ahd while our children may be talented, they may not have the passion to continue on. Nurture a well- rounded rider by supporting her interests outside of the barn. Don’t push your unrequited dreams on them. I’ve seen many a rider burn out too soon because they were riding for all the wrong reasons - one of them being they were riding to fulfill their parent’s dream, not their’s.
Enjoy your daughter every step of the way.
She will be gone way too soon and these precious years should be all about
making unforgettable memories!
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